The Struggle Is Real

Gianna is now 2 months old. I can't believe I'm saying that. In the last couple of weeks, she has begun to smile at us intentionally. She even saw her cute self in a mirror and smiled at how cute she looked! Now, it isn't about getting her back to sleep so she doesn't cry…it's these magical moments in-between screams, and sleeping where she is content for 5-10 minutes at a time. It's those adorable baby smiles that I stare at and wish they would last forever. I find myself in a struggle of whether to stare at her, or to get out my phone so I can snap 1,000 photos per second so I can look back at these moments when I miss her, or when she's screaming her head off.

Wednesday April 8th. I started back to work. The first day, daddy and baby took me to work since we had volleyball practice afterwards and would need to pick me up. We toured the building, showing off baby and the day seemed shorter because they were there to support me in the morning. It was easy to look forward to the end of the day since they would be downstairs waiting for me. However, that night going into the next morning was a disaster. I panicked. Froze. I didn't want to move, I wanted time to stand still. But--that isn't possible. With less than 3 hours of sleep, I headed downstairs to cuddle my baby before I had to get into the car and leave her. I have to drive away. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I can only imagine it getting harder.

The struggle is real. I'm wading into unknown territory. The man, the myth, the legend--my husband. Is the only one who makes it bearable. He says home with her. He changes diapers, feeds her, and calms her when she cries. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, and (lucky me!) I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't know what we would do without him. We are so blessed. And so, we will continue to struggle. But, with God and each other for support--we'll make it. Who knows?! We might even have another little one! ….that is, if we survive this one!

One Of Many...

As I sneak out of bed, creep down the stairs to hop on the computer and type out these words with the hope that baby G doesn't wake up---I realize something. This is not the last time this will happen. This is not the last day I try to do something as simple as get myself a peaceful haircut and have it almost end in tears. This is not the last time I will need, yes NEED, half a pack of double stuffed Oreos #sorrynotsorry

Today was the first of many.

It began on that one day in the past. These days are blurring together with such vengeance I literally have no idea what day it is. Well, in my defense it's just clicked over to another day…so I have a 2/7 chance of getting it right and blaming the incorrect guess on the time of day. Yes, I realize that makes no sense--but the use of fractions and statistics makes me feel smart. Go with it.

Today was the day I ran into Target to get baby G her vitamin after spending WAY too long in Babies R Us arguing with the husband and trying to find the right base for his car. I just ran in to get her vitamin. I may or may not have ran out with 5 tote boxes, vitamin for G, vitamin for me, a family pack of double stuffed Oreos and sorbet for the hubby as a peace offering. I got into a check out line and was informed that she was closing her register and I had to move to another line. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I walked to another line and waited what seemed like an eternity for some girl to check out with some pants and the group in front of her had a 2 year old who was playing with the Target employee who thought she was adorable. I'm sure she was. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and get home. Finally it was my turn to check out. My turn: in sweat pants, hair that hadn't been washed in 2 days--but freshly cut, no makeup on and I'm SURE there were a few designer bags under my tear filled eyes. I didn't want to chit chat with the woman. I didn't want to know how cute that little girl was, or how much you like for people to wash their hands. I just wanted to give her my money, walk out into the rain, and drive home with a screaming infant in her car seat and an overly tired husband shushing her in a desperate attempt for silence at 7 p.m. with no viable plans for dinner and a new dairy free diet underway. Did you say 'no cheese?'

I know we have all had these days, but it wasn't until today--where I had those moments throughout the day, multiple times, that I realized: this isn't just one bad day. It's just a day. It's not even a bad day. It's a normal. It's baseline. I recently had a conversation with my cousin about how she hadn't slept for 8 years (3 daughters….). This conversation was held while she performed cosmetic surgery on Samantha doll. She was staying up that particular night to make her 4 1/2 year old happy. I am still learning the details of motherhood, but I feel a strange solidarity with all moms. Tonight especially. I feel no shame for the half empty Oreo container in the cupboard. I feel pride. I am proud that God has chosen me and Fray to raise Gianna. I am confident that He will provide us the strength we need to get through.

So I will embrace this day with thanksgiving in my heart. I am grateful for my screaming little bundle of joy, because one day (hopefully soon) she will look up at me with those big beautiful eyes and intentionally smile at me (without a fart soon after) and then I will realize that there is no such thing as a bad day. Life is and will never be perfect. No one was promised that. However, I plan to fill mine with happiness, smiles, and joy--even on these many rainy days to come.

God bless you! God bless this beautiful child! And God bless Oreos!

Sick Baby

We're  2 weeks into our parenting journey, and we've learned so much already. I'm hoping that we're doing at least an average job. We're sleeping 2-3 hours at a time--and Gianna has even let us sleep up to 5 hours once! (She's very generous) We've handled crying, feeding, outings to Target and the doctor, and I've even tackled my first time nursing in public. However, our biggest challenge has been projectile vomiting.

Never have I been more worried about another human being in my life. On Tuesday, we headed to the military base to register Gianna for our insurance and decided to stop by the store to walk around a bit. I found a couple of shirts to try on, and fed her in the dressing room while I was at it. Fray came in to help change her, and when I laid her back on my lap--she vomited like a fountain all over both of us. Her entire feeding. Keep in mind our lovely little girl doesn't even spit up. Ever. I chalked it up to the 45 minute drive, and the increased activity. The next morning after we woke up, I fed her and after she was done I was playing around with her little arms and we were talking to each other and she again vomited her entire feeding all over me and the bed, floor, pillows. Twice in a row was too much. We called the doctor and took her in a few hours later. From what the nurse practitioner could see--she's perfect. So, the theory is that she is eating too much with each feeding causing her stomach to get too full so she gets rid of it. It scares the crap out of me that she's going to vomit in her sleep…so with every movement I jump out of my sleep scaring my husband and we just stare at her for a minute before going back to sleep.

I now just want her little stomach to grow and for her to get a little older so she can handle the feedings better and we don't have to worry.

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. -A.A. Milne

The Beginning

"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start…"

When is the beginning? Would that be when I decided to come to Kansas for college? Would it be when I decided to join the military? Would it be when I decided to move back to Kansas after deployment? When exactly would the 'start' of life as I know it be? I like fresh, new beginnings. So, for the purpose of this blog…I'm going to start it when I moved back to Kansas after deciding that Illinois didn't have much to offer. 

I was living with a fellow Army diva ;) I was unemployed, and living the life! I was dating a guy who I thought was perfect--even though we lived thousands of miles apart, and hadn't been in the same place for longer than a couple of days. Life was a fantasy, and what I needed was reality. I was attending a job fair for veterans, and applying for random jobs as I went. At the job fair, I met a representative from Park University who basically guaranteed me a job--and it was perfect. Through a series of events, and interviews, three months later I had the job! Student Services Coordinator at Park University. And I loved it. 

Never did I realize that being at Park University during those 6 months, would start the life I had always dreamed of. 

It was just like you see in the movies…boy sees girl, girl sees boy, looks are exchanged, shy smiles traded. Eventually they are given a reason to talk to each other, talking leads to dating, dating leads to an engagement, and Fray and I were married May 19, 2014. 

We honeymooned to Charlotte, North Carolina and conceived our first child. After an amazing first few months of marriage, we were blessed with the opportunity to buy our first home. I was offered a position at a national nonprofit, so with a new job, a new home, and a baby on the way--we felt as if life couldn't get any better. 

…until February 11th, 2015. Our lives were forever changed. So, maybe this is the real beginning. Gianna Carolina has changed our lives. When I look at her, I couldn't imagine life without her. Or my amazing husband. Life has meaning, purpose. I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings, and next month--but am trying to remain in the moment. I want to take life one day at a time, with my new little family. I want to cherish the first week of life. Then move on and cherish the second week of life. I have never been happier to become a sleep deprived milk machine who's purpose at this very moment in time is to rock a newborn baby and be her comfort and solace day in and day out. To love my husband with my whole being. 

We are just starting out on this journey as new parents, even as newlyweds, but with my hand in his we'll figure it out together--just as we having dating, marriage and homeownership. I am blessed beyond all measure and thank God everyday for this new life He has given us.